Vintage

This year we mark a dark and tragic commemoration….40 years of legalized, unrestricted abortion on demand thanks to the infamous Roe V. Wade decision of 1973.

No other event has more profoundly affected American society - ushering in a culture of death and destruction.  Increased rates of suicide, addictions and child abuse crashed to the shores of our world in the wake of this monumental Supreme Court decision with no relief in sight.

After 23 years as a psychotherapist, certain patterns emerge with regularity when it comes to this abortion issue.  Putting aside all politics and philosophical discussion, the sad reality is that human beings are deeply affected by abortion - no matter where they stand on the issue.

What I’ve seen over the years is that abortion is often not the presenting issue when seeking psychological help but, if present, exerts profound influence on whatever the presenting problems are.  For many, an abortion experience is the catalyst for a series of self-destructive patterns and decisions - the aftermath of which lead them eventually to the counseling office.  In sorting out the failed relationships, addictions, anxiety and depressive disorders, too many therapists fail to inquire if a past abortion may be lurking in the shadows.  Sadly, even when presented, many ignore or gloss over the significance and fail in an opportunity to help the client fully heal and find real and lasting transformation.

However, abortion rarely happens in a vacuum and focusing solely on an abortion in therapy and not recognizing the pre-existing issues that left a woman vulnerable to that choice also misses an opportunity for real healing.

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Last year, after years of frustrated efforts toward goals I thought were aligned with God’s will, I said “uncle” and chose to accept that I needed to “let go and let God.”
 
Exhaustion overwhelmed me.  I had been trying and pushing for several years to accomplish work that I was convinced was God’s will.  No matter what I did or how I did it, my efforts almost always thwarted.  Reaching my goals eluded me.  My neck and shoulders ached, frustration and anxiety were constant companions, and fatigue was wearing me down.
 

Hence, “letting go and letting God”. 

Saying “uncle”, meant that accepting the possibility  that perhaps my goals were not, in fact, God’s goals.  This is a lesson I’ve learned over many years, many years.  Acceptance and “letting go and letting God” meant that I had to stop “trying” and “pushing” so hard.  All that was needed was to do the task right in front of me in that particular moment.

These tasks are . . .
 1. Spending time with God
 2. Take care of myself
 3. Caring for my family
 4. Caring for my clients
 5. Caring for my business

Period.

“Be who you are and be that well."  - St. Francis De Sale

When I was younger, I had a timeshare with friends at the beach for nine years. Our weekends were filled with long, lazy days on the beach where stress was as foreign as pasta fagioli. The late afternoons were spent on the deck with frozen drinks that sometimes went on late in to the evenings before we would even think of going out for the night. On one particular night, my friends and I were having an especially good time; seeking fun elsewhere didn't even seem necessary. We kept with our routine though and headed for the bar. There were hundreds of people gathered there, but I was enjoying my friends so much I didn't really venture out of the corner we had claimed. Eventually I met a man, "Joe", but was really more interested in continuing the time with my friends. I bounced back and forth between my friends and "Joe" for a little while, with the lesser time and attention being spent on him. When I returned to him the last time, he was quiet, but what he said endeared him to me instantly!

He told me the time I had arrived. The time! He knew the actual moment I had walked into the restaurant! I asked my friends what time we had arrived, and he was right! I remember still being lost in his last comment when he continued that he had been waiting all night long to talk to me. I was the only person in the place he wanted to talk to and now that I was finally standing there before him, he did not know how to talk to me. I did not walk away so quickly after that and when I did, I made sure "Joe" was with me the whole night.

In marital sessions, one of the things clients hear me say repeatedly is, “Talk outside of your head.”

The whole world makes sense inside our heads, but we tend to only give people part of the picture, assuming the rest is known or understood. This tendency is often amplified greatly in dating. We can over examine our thoughts, get in our own way and divulge even less of what we're really thinking and trying to say. The scenario above could have turned out very differently. Truth be told, I had little, if any, interest in "Joe" even though every other woman in the place seemed to. He stood 6'5” with brown wavy hair and had the profile of Christopher Reeves. Because of his striking good looks, I mistakenly assumed he would be arrogant and shallow. Nothing could have been further from the truth. He tried in no way to impress me, which would have been a definite turn off. On the contrary, when he showed his vulnerability, I saw him in a completely new light.

The irony is this: So often we exasperate ourselves trying to find just the right thing to say, whereas if we only would say what we are truly thinking, we would be received much better.